Anti-Press Express

Wow! The Plattsburgh Daily (news)Paper has discovered a newfangled thing called a web-log or a blog! It’s adding one of these doohickeys to its Web site. Here’s part of the intricate answer provided by the (news)Paper to the question, “What is a blog?”

“Authoring a blog, maintaining a blog or adding an article to an existing blog is called ‘blogging.’ Individual articles on a blog are called ‘blog posts,’ ‘posts,’ or ‘entries.’ The person who makes these entries is called a ‘blogger.’”

Really.

Did you know that cutting down trees in the woods is called “logging?” The cut trees are made into things called “logs” or “posts.” A person who cuts down trees for a living is called a “logger.”

Is that pedantic enough for you?

The simplistic explanation of blogging provided by the (news)Paper indicates that the editor considers the majority of his readers to be simple people of an advanced age, oldsters dating back to the days of the buggy whip. Also, it seems the editor can’t keep pace with modern technology. Why did the explanation use such ABC sentence structure? Well, it had to be easy enough for even a gray-haired editor to understand. After all, he’s been kinda confused since transistor radios were introduced.

The poor old editor: he has no concept of what bloggers represent to traditional media, especially newspapers. Such an editor is a dinosaur dimly aware of the new critters on the scene, not realizing that mammals could be vectors of extinction.

Hey, dino, wake up! Quick little rodents are eating your eggs.

So how did the prisoner get free from his shackles and then jump out of the backseat of a locked sheriff’s car without any apparent use of force?

Vladimir Kulakov claims he has helpers, that he will be free. What kind of helpers? Demons, maybe?

From his criminal record Kulakov appears to be quite the character, with or without any supernatural help. A Russian nationalist who has been living in the US for about ten years, he’s been stirring up trouble on both sides of Lake Champlain.

Over in Vermont Kulakov was convicted in 1995 of mailing human feces to that state’s governor. Before that, in 1993, he decided to get everyone’s attention by walking into the Burlington Police Station with his loaded AK-47. Previously he had been arrested a couple of times for trespassing at Vermont courthouses, but apparently those incidents didn’t create the impression he needed. (Is his nickname Vlad the Impresser?)

Then he crossed the lake to hang around here in Plattsburgh, eventually creating a commotion in NENYland (northeastern New York State). He started off small before building up to the big headlines. In 1997 he was convicted for criminal possession of a loaded weapon, a 9-millimeter pistol he left behind in a gas station toilet.

From here we get into the “alleged” stuff that has been reported in the local papers.

Spring, 2004: Kulakov is arrested, allegedly found with a rifle and charged with illegal weapons-possession.

August, 2005: Out on bail and waiting for court action, Kulakov (allegedly) fails to show up for a court appearance and a bench warrant is issued for his arrest.

September 9th, 2005: Kulakov is allegedly driving a stolen vehicle when allegedly pulled over by the NY State Police. It is alleged that Kulakov fled and tried to hide in a nearby field. Allegedly a trooper was searching for Kukalov and so the alleged suspect shot with alleged bullets from his alleged gun, allegedly wounding the trooper in his arm and head. Fortunately, the trooper survived the alleged attack; the alleged victim was seen recently on TeeVee with his arm bandaged up from his alleged wound.

After allegedly shooting the trooper, it is alleged Kulakov fled the scene and allegedly stole another vehicle, heading south. But his alleged flight from justice didn’t work out and he was allegedly stopped by police officers on Sept 10th. This time he is alleged to have jumped out of the allegedly stolen vehicle and fled into the allegedly nearby woods, but the officers were able to catch him without further incident within an hour – allegedly, that is.

(Sorry to be a bit redundant with the proper terminology, but due to legal reasons, I must err on the side of caution. I can’t afford to have my ass sued off.)

January 5th, 2006: Shackled hand and foot, Kulakov is being returned to the county jail after a court appearance. The alleged cop-shooter somehow slips free of his shackles and jumps from the moving Sheriff’s vehicle – or so it is alleged. He is captured within twenty minutes.

On TeeVee and in the newspaper, the County Sheriff says it’s a mystery how Kulakov broke free during this latest (alleged) incident. He shows on the local TeeVee news the door that Kulakov allegedly opened to allegedly escape; there is no sign of force or tampering.

But is it so mysterious? Kulakov was allegedly arrested one time with a handcuff key. If that allegation is true, then it indicates he’s familiar with handcuffs and ankle bracelets.

Also, the sheriff’s department has been criticized for lax security. The worse incident involved the last episode of the TeeVee sitcom, Seinfeld. Remember how NBC used to brag that it gave its viewers “Must See TeeVee”? When Seinfeld was going to end its initial run, everyone HAD to see that final episode.

That apparently included the officers at the county jail. Someone on duty that night disconnected the security monitors, replacing the regular programming with a special broadcast of the last Seinfeld episode. After all, it was “Must See TeeVee.” You don’t need security monitors on 24-7, do you?

OK, that’s an extreme example, but it does point to an important fact: people are human, even law enforcement officers. So with human error and oversight, Kulakov’s latest alleged escape attempt doesn’t seem to be that mysterious, especially when you consider magicians and their sleight of hand tricks. (Sorry, Wes Craven, you’ll have to find another boogeyman for your next horror movie.)

But Kulakov is still mysterious. The mystery: with his criminal
record, why has this nutball been walking around free for so long? After his stunts, including mailing feces, one would think he would be at least confined to a max security mental hospital.

Or does Vladimir Kulakov only “allegedly” suffer from a severe mental disorder that may cause an innocent person to be killed?




FOOTNOTE: The County Sheriff announced that security with the transport of Vladimir Kulakov would be beefed up. The prisoner’s handcuffs and ankle bracelets will be doubled. Also, an officer will sit right next to him in the back seat. Considering how crazy but clever Kulakov has been, one wonders if he plans to twist the new security set-up against itself, even using the officer sitting next to him to his own advantage. (At the same time, maybe I’ve been watching too many stage magicians and Wes Craven movies.)

UPDATE: Part of the mystery is solved. Kulakov was caught trying to hide a handcuff key in the toilet during an inspection of his cell. The key was in rough shape from being repeatedly swallowed and digested by Mr. K. As we noted above, he was arrested with such a key. Apparently no one suspected he carried a spare in a special place, waiting for it to come to pass when he needed it. But no word how he got the door to the patrol car open. Probably another magic trick such as wedging something in the door so it wouldn’t completely lock.